Non-painting pursuits
companionship through language
At Anderson Ranch two of my instructors led a conversation about passion projects. They used a less girl boss-y word, but that’s what was at the essence of the conversation…what are the creative pursuits that inform our Big work that nobody cares about but us? What do we make / do to fuel our own curiosities and interests?
I’ve written some about learning new things and how much I’ve enjoyed the experience, but I realized that I’m usually learning new skills with a bigger goal in mind. I’m not usually learning for fun; there’s an added pressure to it. I started figure drawing and portrait painting classes so that I could more confidently include figures in my paintings. When I started painting more seriously, I knew I wanted to paint the figure, so I actively worked to improve.
I recently started taking Chinese calligraphy classes, and I’m struck by the difference of learning for fun (calligraphy) vs. learning because I’ll feel like a big loser if I can’t do the thing I want to do (figure drawing).
My calligraphy classes are on Tuesday evening. Every week, I drive to the suburbs, leave my shoes at the door, and shuffle into my teacher’s home classroom. The stairwell and classroom are lined wall-to-wall with student work. We work quietly on our assignments for two hours, and somehow the time goes fast even though I practice the same phrase over and over. The past two weeks, I’ve been working on “白雲” which translates to white clouds. Mid-class, we take a break for tea, and my classmates chit-chat in Japanese. I have only a vague sense of what they talking about, but the relaxed tone of their conversation is soothing nonetheless.
While the learning environment is really pleasant, it’s also really nice to try something new with zero expectations. I leave each week delighted by my improvement and curious what will come from my next session. I practice between sessions if I have time and don’t worry if I don’t.
I’ve also taken a bit of this openness to language learning, which has historically been a fraught experience for me. I’ve felt, and sometimes still feel, a lot of embarrassment and shame for being bad at my heritage languages. It’s hard when people have expectations of something that they think you should be able to do and you just…can’t. In my pursuit of open-ended learning, I’ve started taking Cantonese classes in the evenings. I’m honestly not sure what compelled me to take this class, but something about this next attempt at language learning feels different. Of course, I desperately want my language skills to be better, but I also am not as ashamed of how bad my abilities are. It is what it is, and I’m trying to change that. I feel such camaraderie with my classmates and our patchwork abilities. I can read some but can only speak Mandarin. Other people can speak naturally but are illiterate. And of course there’s a lot in between. Our collective confusion is palpable on Zoom. Ah, the beauty and fully body humbling that comes with heritage language learning!
I’ve been thinking a lot about language and how I’m developing my own through my painting. I’m wrestling with questions about my perspective, interiority, and values and how to translate them onto the page. The battle that happens between me and my paper somehow makes language learning more accessible. If I’m working through and developing this new form of communication, maybe I can make some strides in these other languages I’ve dabbled in. I’m not really sure what the connection is yet, but all three—calligraphy, language learning, painting—feel linked. We’ll see what I discover as I continue on, and I’m looking forward to sharing with you along the way.
I’m going to transition back to monthly posts since that seems to be the rhythm of my writing since my summer workshops. The weekly posts helped me add structure at the beginning of my unemployment, and now I have a different flow to my weeks. For now, I’ll leave you with some paintings that I finished since my workshops!
Until next time,
Alison
I looove the paintings!
<3